12 Step Program

I swear I have become the next 12 Step Program for men! It never fails....your eyes meet across a crowded bar (cause face it....thats where ya meet a lot of these), and you think.."Wow" (ok, so maybe not WOW, but hmmmm, "Not Bad?"). So, begins the "hanging out" ritual that so many of us used to call dating.....(come on, it's called that now, as my teenage daughter informed me). Doesn't it always seem like "this could be the one" at first? I mean, seriously, you dump all your friends for the magical fun you are having. You are now one of a "couple". You use words like we and us and anything else to let the world know you are no longer on the market. Then it hits...something everyone else saw, but you. Well...so his living at home (yes, with his parents, even though he has been out of school for a VERY long time) or with 2 roommates didn't seem so bad....at the beginning. Ok, and so he likes to hang out with his "cool" buddies all the time and drag you (not always...you know..."guy time" and all) along for all the fun! Well....then you realize that thats ALL you do.....hang out with his buddies, (your friends aren't quite soooo much fun to him and his), drink enough alcohol for the entire group of your friends and you are suddenly working your schedule around his little "problems". It's always good to feel needed in a relationship. So, he doesn't have the nicest car (his ex of course got the good one), and well...he's a little strapped for cash (how long will the tab sit there before you pick it up......again), and no one will hire him (of course, he's probably OVER qualified).....so begins the program....
Step 1: Build up his EGO (after all....we are trying to make a good impression)
Step 2: Cook him dinner (Momma always said, the way to a guys heart is through his stomach)
Step 3: Build up his EGO (wow you are the best....at everything)
Step 4: Help clean up his apt (are those dishes under that green, fuzzy stuff?)
Step 5: Build up his EGO (you really are secure in who you are...no need for compliments...oh, you have laundry?)
Step 6: Do some laundry (its easier...you ARE a girl..and you're soooo much better...nobody wants their perfect man in dirty, wrinkled shirts)
Step 7:Build up his EGO (of course you were more qualified than that silly man at that job...you could run circles around him...he will be sorry he didn't hire you)
Step 8: Run his errands (you don't mind...you can do your stuff later...there is plenty of time after his laundry and cleaning...)
Step 9: Build up his EGO (no one has EVER made me feel like that....WHEW!)
Step 10:Be understanding (your Mom really has her first drink at 9am?....well...its 5 o'clock somewhere?)
Step 11:Build up his EGO (no, I guess I don't mind picking up the tab again.....everyone has their rough spots and I know you really needed that night out drinking with the boys and yes, I understand it was your turn to pay)
and FINALLY Step 12: BUILD UP HIS EGO.....(that nagging feeling sure doesn't seem to be going away.......)
YEA....Graduation Time: Oh....what...you really think I'm a great girl but.....Oh, Ok...sure I understand...of course we can still be friends.....yea...ok...a break is nice....sure, call me when you can......
Fade to 3 months later....your eyes meet across the crowded bar.....Oh, wait...its HIM but who is that with him?
CONGRATULATIONS: Another successful graduate....all your hard work paid off!!!..he's looking great (as proven by the happy little thing hanging on his arm....is she even old enough to get in?), landed a job (with your help) and..... "Wait....is he picking up the tab?"

Plain Jane says: Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella. (the late great Mae West....thank you ma'am)

Sisters are Pure Evil

The day seemed about as normal as any day in my life (if there is such a thing). It just so happens that I am also not always in charge of my own phone. Here's the scenario as it happened: Fred (obviously, NOT his REAL name!) sends me a text as follows:
Fred: hey girl whats up?
Me: Uhhh, the usual, nothing much
Fred: Ahhh...cool
(Fred is not really the big conversationalist to begin with)
(and me as usual am rolling my eyes thinking, pls don't text again)
Now, mind you I am driving down the freeway with 2 kids, blaring the music so my sister and I can actually have a conversation without the teenager saying, "who are we talking about?". So, my phone is free game (we all know how dangerous it is to text and drive) which always spells disaster for me! So, sissy-poo says, "Let me handle this...I can get rid of him".
Uh Oh....I smell something cooking and its not a gourmet dinner for me!
Beep...beep.....(Fred's text)
tap...tap...tap...tap....(awful lot of tapping from sis for someone she is getting rid of)
Beep....beep....(assuming Fred is answering)
tap...tap...tap....tap (again with that awful assumption thing of mine)
Giggle...giggle.....(pause)...more giggling..
I am completely in the dark at this point, at which point my sister (acting like she just came up with this fabulous plan), decides that we need to go out and have a few drinks on Friday night.
Deciding not to push the issue on the text is always not a smart option.
Friday, Cold beer, cool music (and no, not ABBA or KC and the Sunshine Band) and lo..and behold, here comes Fred! Funny, I didn't remember agreeing to meet him, but he seems to think I have! Ok, so its not soooo bad. He is good-looking, (somewhat) and he's sometimes funny. So, imagine my surprise when Sister Dearest points to a table over in the corner. WOW...there is the OTHER guy I have been seeing. Now lets see.....sissy-poo is laughing (and quite hysterically at this point), when I realize that she invited both of them to the bar tonight! "Oh great!" So, off I run to see George and act like I am thrilled to see him. Of course, a beer is waiting. Again, GREAT! I chat for a few minutes while keeping an eye on the other table.
Me: Oh I am sooo gonna kill you!
Sis: What? Me? I didn't do anything!
Me: You sent them both a text!
Sis: You are soooo paranoid....you probly made a date w both and forgot!
Me: I sooo did not!
Sis: well.....you have done it before...
Me: ARGHHHHHHHH
Sis: ROTFLMAO
So, off I run to tell Sis something REALLY important......(God, am I gonna kill her!). This continues on for about an hour (drinking a beer each time with each one and threatening Sis via text every 5 mins), until I realize my legs have now turned to jello and I can't remember which is Fred and which is George....
Now my friends, the story doesn't end here......Sis is laughing so hard she is starting to fall off her bar stool....and at this point I am too drunk to help her...(well...I would push her if I could only see 1 of her!). Since we are always each other's wing man, I was counting on her to help me out (forgetting it was her who put me here), but she had other plans.....(which for her was a "midnight call" with her MR. WONDERFUL).
I could tell you neither guy caught on and I was left with both still to hang out with.....I could, but I won't .....Now sis.....her night ended a lot better than mine. While I was in the bushes (and not with Fred or George), telling Mother Nature how to fertilize her crops better, Sis was getting some sympathy from some HOT, tall good-looking hunk of a male specimen...(ok, so thats how he looked through my red blood-shot eyes and snotty nose..be nice...I was sick after all) .....
Oh, BTW....her and hunky have a date next Friday.....what to do....what to do.....HAHAHAHA

Plain Jane Says: I smile because you are my sister, I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!

Welcome!

Hi everyone! There has to be a place for all of us women who don't have perfect lives....well....I hope you all see a little of yourselves here!
I don't carry a $500 purse (unless you count the ones I buy at Ross for under $40) and I don't buy my make-up at the mall (Target and WalMart work well for me), and most of my clothes are from the clearance rack at said stores and wherever I see a bargain! Yes, I am the queen of bargain shopping! No one really sees the label unless I am lucky enough to have the above mentioned clothes torn off me in a sexual frenzy (ok...now a girl's gotta have BIG dreams too!).
I do however, have 2 girls I can share clothes with! So, I go out sometimes with sparkly teeshirts and an old pair of Chuck Taylors (that's Converse for us old timers). It's always worth a giggle to wear a concert tee with some crazy red-eye skull on it and act like I EVEN have a clue who they are! I wonder why my friends don't always want to take me with them...hmmmmm....Nothing says true friendship like walking through the mall with a friend wearing a "Theory of a Dead Man" or "Godsmack" tee. Really? What about ABBA....or KC and the Sunshine Band? Funny, they never want to borrow my tees........am I missing something?
It's okay though, I came to the conclusion long ago that my life mission is all about doing things that make them roll their eyes and go, "please Mom, don't wear that...you don't even know who they are", and "you're really retarded". (note: no offense is meant for anyone with limited mental capacity). I keep looking for the kids on TV...you know the ones that their rooms are the size of football fields with perfect matching furniture and decorated by the designer with the funny french name and a lisp.....who are always dressed nicely for school, do their homework, sit down and discuss their life issues head on. If anyone sees these kids, send them home, they are late!
Well, enough for one day...my "perfect" daughter needs to be picked up so we can share what an amazing day she had with all her amazing friends. Ok, so it will be a normal day of whining that no one likes her and her life as she knows it is over.......putting on my SuperMom cape right now!!

Plain Jane says: Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree!